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Comforting the Hardened Heart

Comforting the Hardened Heart
Mother in Chakra

Mother in Chakra

Not easy, working on spiritual action. And I don’t know if that is an adequate term for what I am focusing on in my meditations.

I know my mother died early in her life, of a massive stroke. People said she died of a broken heart at having lost me, regardless of her repeated efforts and sacrifice to remain connected.

Once I had learned my story as my mother saw it, based on what my siblings shared with me, I was filled with remorse and sadness, and worked through a particular pain, confident I had dealt with my feelings regarding her. Seems I was confident, and wrong, as I have known to be when most convinced.

I focus on my Heart Chakra, because my heart, as it appears in meditation, has a hard crust around it. Layers, created unwittingly throughout my lifetime, designed to protect my innermost feelings. Layers that began to encapsulate my child’s heart from acknowledging the pain of having been separated from my mother Rosa. Others, dealing with never quite fitting in, despite remarkable, perceived popularity. All those layers that never understood my mother’s unquestioning, unconditional love for me. Wave upon wave of unresolved painful guilt invades me when I contemplate the image of my mother.

Now, many years after having dealt with emotions about her intellectually, I admit it had merely been an intellectual process. That acknowledged, I am endeavoring to connect to my emotional framework and learn to love my mother unconditionally. But… How do I do that without first comforting and forgiving the little child? How, then, without looking at the angry teenager, and forgiving her resentment toward Rosa? Worst yet, how can I forgive the young woman who rejected and disdained, when she could have shown empathy toward the woman who gave her life? It is hard to forgive yourself and remove the weighty guilt. It is an ongoing process that requires work and patience to break habits that started early in life. And yet, I am embraced by Light and a feeling of Joy after my meditations. Does forgiveness await beyond? It certainly feels like it.

Do you sometimes feel parts of your emotional framework are difficult to access? Are you hurt at times and riddled with shame and guilt? Have you experienced the rejection of a child… not seeing her/him for years, and loving him/her regardless? Have you rejected your mother and agonized at having done so? I’d love to hear from you.

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Discussion

  1. Samantha  April 18, 2016

    It’s been hard to heal the unresolved emotions of finding my Mother after she had passed away. It’s an empty ache.

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    • Catana  April 23, 2016

      Thank you, for contacting me Samantha. What helps me to deal with the guilt and void, is when write essays about my feelings. I also meditate around those issues. It’s really good to get it out on paper. Perhaps occasionally read what you’ve written. I totally understand but have to say, one does learn to live with it. Blessings.

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  2. Susie  November 18, 2016

    While my son has not rejected me, I feel as though he hasn’t really let me in. He will not discuss anything adoption related, so we are mostly like pen pals (one way) and fb friends. I’ve never heard him call me by name, most communication and all visits are initiated by me. I’m not complaining, it is what it is and it’s so much more than I ever dreamed was possible. It’s hard to not want “more” though…. I do love him regardless – no matter what he may or may not say or do in the future.

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    • Catana  November 29, 2016

      Thank you for your comment, Susie. Here’s what I’ve found, as I continue to deal with my distanced approach to people. I am supremely friendly and people like having me around, and although I revealed in graphic detail how I felt toward my mother as a child in my book, I also often feel I am a bit heartless. I think one learns to protect oneself and ultimately shuts down one’s feelings. It’s wonderful that you have an open door to your son and can communicate with him. As you say, it’s what it is… Always let him feel loved without attachments. He does love you in his way, otherwise he would not have allowed you to know him. Good luck and many blessings to both of you.

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