Not easy, working on spiritual action. And I don’t know if that is an adequate term for what I am focusing on in my meditations.
I know my mother died early in her life, of a massive stroke. People said she died of a broken heart at having lost me, regardless of her repeated efforts and sacrifice to remain connected.
Once I had learned my story as my mother saw it, based on what my siblings shared with me, I was filled with remorse and sadness, and worked through a particular pain, confident I had dealt with my feelings regarding her. Seems I was confident, and wrong, as I have known to be when most convinced.
I focus on my Heart Chakra, because my heart, as it appears in meditation, has a hard crust around it. Layers, created unwittingly throughout my lifetime, designed to protect my innermost feelings. Layers that began to encapsulate my child’s heart from acknowledging the pain of having been separated from my mother Rosa. Others, dealing with never quite fitting in, despite remarkable, perceived popularity. All those layers that never understood my mother’s unquestioning, unconditional love for me. Wave upon wave of unresolved painful guilt invades me when I contemplate the image of my mother.
Now, many years after having dealt with emotions about her intellectually, I admit it had merely been an intellectual process. That acknowledged, I am endeavoring to connect to my emotional framework and learn to love my mother unconditionally. But… How do I do that without first comforting and forgiving the little child? How, then, without looking at the angry teenager, and forgiving her resentment toward Rosa? Worst yet, how can I forgive the young woman who rejected and disdained, when she could have shown empathy toward the woman who gave her life? It is hard to forgive yourself and remove the weighty guilt. It is an ongoing process that requires work and patience to break habits that started early in life. And yet, I am embraced by Light and a feeling of Joy after my meditations. Does forgiveness await beyond? It certainly feels like it.
Do you sometimes feel parts of your emotional framework are difficult to access? Are you hurt at times and riddled with shame and guilt? Have you experienced the rejection of a child… not seeing her/him for years, and loving him/her regardless? Have you rejected your mother and agonized at having done so? I’d love to hear from you.