There are still times when I feel pretty wretched. They are no longer because of something someone said to me. But they come at night or during meditation, and have to do with my relationship with my mother. Not my German mother who in so many areas is deserving of my love and praise, but the mother who cradled me beneath her heart and whose placenta fed me for the months I lived in her womb. I am not sure how I love her, if I love her. But lately, there has been reason to connect with her spirit… or is it her Spirit, recognizing my need, connecting with mine? I don’t know. But I had a realization during meditative moments, that things were coming full circle and I should rely on her wisdom.
This year will be seven decades plus two; that is 72 years that I was separated from her. Going by my physical, mental, and emotional health, barring an accident, I can count on a few more years of life. So, when I say I feel as if I’m coming full circle, I mean that the reality of reconnecting with my point of origin is bringing much Spiritual peace. In meditation I focus on honoring my Heart and hope that with focus, time and work, that hardened crust around thoughts of my mother will soften. By learning to forgive the child that disdained and feared her, I am also endeavoring to remove those feelings of guilt I deal with when looking at the image of my mother Rosa.
My siblings learned tremendous survival skills from her, not because she taught then specifically, but through observation. The humility with which she approached showed great fortitude in the face of significant adversity. I love her for that, and can use some of her clarity and fortitude.